An erect penis and a wet vagina are distinct signs of the desire for sex, right? Sexual non-concordance disagrees with this assumption!
Maybe you’ve already had one of these odd moments in your life where you were absolutely ready for sex, at least in your head, but unfortunately nothing wanted to move down there, which could have told you your vagina feels ready as well, no wetness at all. Or the other way around, perhaps you have already noticed that you were wet, for reasons unknown to you at the time, but actually you had no desire for sex.
Don´t worry, you are not wrong or broken. This phenomenon has a somewhat complicated name and is called “arousal non-concordance”. It describes the fact that we humans (and especially we women) can show different levels of sexual arousal physically (genitals) and psychologically (emotions). Sexologist Emily Nagoski describes this phenomenon very well in the matching Ted Talk and refers to studies by American researcher Meredith Chivers.
In one of the studies conducted, men and women were shown different sexual scenarios, ranging from heterosexual, homosexual and violence-involving pornography to the sexual act of bonobos. During conducting the study, the participants were asked to indicate their level of mental arousal and at the same time the physical arousal of the genitals was measured. While men generally had a 50% match of physical and mental arousal, women had only a 10% match.
MEN ARE MORE SELECTIVE
In addition, it was also clear that men were more likely to be aroused by pornography that also corresponds to their own sexual preferences (e.g. heterosexual men more likely to have sex with heterosexual couples or two women). Women, on the other hand, were physically aroused by almost every type of sex shown. At the same time, however, they often stated that they perceived little or no (psychological) excitement in themselves. It is therefore possible that the woman’s vagina becomes wet because she (her body) perceives a trigger in everyday life as clearly sexually relevant information. But this does not mean that she is also ready for sex or has the desire for it. On the other hand, it can also be that the head is ready but the body is not (yet).
Liebevoller mit uns selbst umgehen und die Botschaft raus in die Welt tragen! Erregung ist nicht gleich Verlangen!.
This was the scientific approach to arousal non-concordance. But what does that mean in everyday life? Having more self-compassion and carrying the message out into the world! Arousal is not desire!
The relevance for our everyday life can be viewed from two sides. Because maybe you know this moment when you are already really horny, feel totally ready for sex and your partner is just making his or her way into your underwear. The moment when you feel the fingers of your partner on your vulva and at the same time you feel that there is more desert than wetland down there. And then there is often this millisecond of uncertainty, on both sides. The partner may think “Why isn’t she wet yet? Isn´t she into it?” and you yourself might have a “Shit, what’s going on? I am horny!” in your head. From today on, you can simply relax in such a moment, reach for the lubricant and refer to the above-mentioned studies when you get a strange look of your partner!
THE RISK OF MISINTERPRETATION
However, the other side of this phenomenon can even be dangerous. Especially, when a woman feels exposed to a situation in which she definitely does not feel pleasure at all, but her body signals assumed pleasure because her vagina gets wet. So the sentence “I know you like it, too” is more than out of place when a woman verbally signals not to enjoy the situation. In the worst case, in the case of rape, the man may think that the woman is having fun because she is wet. Accordingly, a wet vagina is not the consent to sexual intercourse!
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT A WOMAN REALLY WANTS?
In the end, it is the verbal communication again that can remove any doubt. Given that the woman honestly says what she feels and wants. So it is better to ask questions than to assume something and the self-determined reach for the lubricant in case of doubt is the answer that the partner might has needed at that moment. And lubricant is always a good idea anyway!