Maybe there are not quite as many, but does the question “Did you actually come?” sound familiar. We have the impression that what may seem obvious or audible to us at that moment, namely that we did have come, is not so clear to the other person.
Every woman, like probably every man, has her own way to experience the climax. Some are louder, others quieter, some move more, others less. Especially when two people do not know each other so well, this question “Did you actually come?” is therefore not really surprising.
To make things even more complicated, women also have different types of orgasm and therefore there is probably not only one way in which the partner can perceive it.
How many different types of orgasm are there?
Our honest answer: no idea. The literature has many different answers to this question, so we will not be able to give a final answer at this point either.
However, we started a small survey on Instagram to find out how many types of orgasm our female followers have and what the reasons for the different climaxes are.
The answers ranged from 1 up to 7 different orgasms and the way they were achieved depended, for example, on whether the orgasm was experienced during masturbation or in lovemaking with the partner. But also the position, time in the cycle, the emotional connection to the sexual partner as well as the level of physical tension play a role for the respondents.
What does science say?
First there is the question in the room, do we talk about the “place” through whose stimulation the orgasm is triggered, i.e. anal, clitoral or even nipples, or do we talk about the “type” of stimulation that leads to orgasm, i.e. pressure, friction or even relaxation. Type and place of stimulation often seem not to be exactly distinguished in the literature.
Ein Orgasmus ist ein Orgasmus ist ein Orgasmus.__Betty Dodson
If we were to follow the good old psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, we would have to assume two types of orgasm in relation to the “place” for women, the vaginal and the clitoral. However, since Freud declared clitoral orgasm to be immature orgasm and only vaginal orgasm to be sexually healthy, we would probably have an increased number of women in therapy today.
A selection of possible orgasms
- Clitoral orgasm
Probably the best known and, for those with clitoris, probably the most likely way to achieve orgasm through their stimulation.
- Vaginal orgasm
Recent research suggests that the vaginal orgasm is a hidden clitoral orgasm, because the clitoris is not only this small, well-known point, but its anatomy extends over a much larger area and is also stimulated during vaginal penetration.
- Anal orgasm
Some people find anal sex rather unpleasant, others take great pleasure in it and can achieve orgasm with it. So anal sex can be extremely fun, but should always be combined with lots of lubricant and a slow stretching of the anal muscles.
- G-spot orgasm
Whether it exists or not, we leave unanswered at this point. However, about 30% of women report that stimulation of the slightly rippled area of the inner, anterior vaginal wall leads to great pleasure and intense orgasms.
The urethra orgasm, is the orgasm that can be experienced by stimulating the urethra. An explanation for this could be that the urethra is surrounded by the clitoris, and this area swells during stimulation, is supplied with more blood and can therefore lead to orgasm.
- Nipple orgasm
How sensitive we women are to our nipples is very different. Some experience so much excitement when the nipples are stimulated that it can end in orgasm. Other women may find the stimulation beautiful, but instead of orgasm, the sensation turns into pain rather than orgasm.
- A-spot orgasm
Another not really confirmed point between the G-Spot and the cervix, which is supposed to give the woman even more pleasure than the G-Spot itself.
- Blended orgasm
A “blended orgasm” is an orgasm that occurs by stimulating several erogenous areas. This is probably the most common way to achieve orgasm. According to the Australian urologist Helen O”Connell, the clitoris covers a much larger area than previously thought and is even larger than a man’s penis.
Therefore, the increased blood flow and swelling of the entire clitoris also stimulates other areas such as the urethra and anus. In other words, the stimulation of the anus or urethra, for example, actually stimulates the clitoris.
Why is communication so important?
Sometimes the orgasms are different depending on the position and type of stimulation. So the orgasm in a certain position can be experienced as very intense, while in another position or for example during oral sex it can simply be different. Maybe that’s why sometimes the question “Did you actually come?” is asked, because the climax cannot be perceived as clearly by the partner in that moment as perhaps already experienced in other positions or constellations.
Even though our initial inner reaction might be a sentence like “What, you didn’t notice that?” or “No, I was just about to”, we should be aware that in the end no one can look inside us. We ourselves know best what and how we experience what, so communication is the key here too. In our opinion, not only the exchange of preferences and no-go’s should take place, but also discussions about the different orgasms.
Because then, apart from one-night stands, there is the possibility that the signals will become more and more familiar to both (or all those involved) and the question of whether we have reached the climax will appear less frequently.
How does man*woman know that a woman has had an orgasm?
We also asked on Instagram how the respondents could tell that the woman had an orgasm. The answers ranged from physical signals such as a more moist vagina, rhythmic twitching of the abdomen, a change in tension throughout the body, to breathing that stops for a short time.
But there were also less physically tangible answers. That she devotes herself for a short moment only to herself and the connection seems to be broken for a short time, the energy between the interacting persons changes or the energy in the exchange of looks seems to be noticeable.
In which way the orgasm is most likely to be perceived by the other person is therefore probably also different from person to person.
Is orgasm the same as satisfying sex?
Here our answer is much clearer: No! On the one hand, the orgasm itself can also bring or release very different emotions.
Let’s say you are just separated and still in the mourning phase, but you are meeting someone because you think this kind of distraction is a good idea. You have sex and reach orgasm. When in doubt, this orgasm can flush up emotions related to grief rather than being a deeply satisfying experience.
On the other hand, an evening full of passionate sexual games, perhaps with sex but without orgasm, can be extremely satisfying. We therefore also believe that the study results published by Masters and Johnson in 1986, under the name “Human Sexual Response”, may be somewhat misleading. They assume that the sexual act always consists of 4 phases: arousal, plateau, orgasm and relaxation.
We think sex can be extremely satisfying even without an orgasm. Perhaps one more reason why men should stress themselves less when women have not come. What is not equivalent to that we do not care if we come or not. So here too, “communication is key” applies. To describe this a bit more explicit: If the man comes without caring that woman comes too, then this is probably a kind of neglected help. If, however, a woman signals at some point that she is very happy and satisfied even without coming, then a man is welcome to accept this and should not worry that he has not brought her to the climax.
Whether we women orgasm is often connected with far more components than the right way of touching. Orgasm is an interaction of body and mind. Therefore, not only the right physical stimulation plays a role, but also the mental and psychological components, more so for women than for men. While men have a “point of no return” after which the orgasm can no longer be held back or even interrupted, with us women the slightest mental “disturbance” or change in physical stimulation can lead to the interruption of arousal and thus also prevent orgasm.
An open communication and willingness to talk to all partners involved in sex can therefore help to become clear about the preferences of the other person, but also to know the obstacles. This can prevent disappointments on the one hand and increase the pleasure and fun of sex on the other hand.